Cogito Patris

Random Thoughts for Random People

Second Child Wanters Hear My Rant

I was reading a post by (This) Girl’s Gone Child about wanting a second child but “not being ready”.   I started to think about how my wife and I decided to have a second child.

We had lots of reasons not to have Melody.  The expense and time constrains.  Dante’s jealousy. Poopy diapers and spit-up.  Colic, medical expenses, doctors and delivery.  However, we had already decided to have another child, we just didn’t want to do it “yet”. 

 So, what put us over the top?  Ultimately we decided that it would never be the “right” time.  If we waited for the perfect time, then it would never come.  We didn’t want to wait too long because of my brother and I.

Mark is my big brother.  He is seven years older than I am.  We simply did not get along.  My thinking was that the primary issue was the age issue.  Because Mark is so much older than I am he remembered a time when he was an only child.  He remembered having the full attention of both parents.  Now, he was being asked to share that attention…at the age of 7 (technically 6.5).

Of course he was jealous.  I don’t blame him now, but trying to be a member of the family when my big brother didn’t want me there was difficult.

My brother and I are now reasonably close.  I just returned from a weekend visit to his place (just me).  We watch football together and talk on the phone every few weeks.  However, I think we came close to losing each other entirely when I was a pre-teenager and he was graduating high school.  The combination of those factors was simply difficult for both of us.

So, that is, in a nut shell, why we decided to have Melody sooner rather than later.  Two children in diapers for a year or so is nothing compared to a lifetime of seperating warring syblings. 

I won’t say that the trip hasn’t been difficult.  We are a little short on funds at the moment, we have had to increase medical expenses to look in to Dante’s speech.  “We” had a C-section that required some recovery (though my bride tells me it was worse the first day, but after that the C-section was less painful than the difficult delivery “we” had the first time around…including epesiotomy).    Jealousy has been running rampant with Dante.  If one of us is taking care of Melody then he wants that person’t attention and nothing else will do (we just let him be a grump).

I am hoping that by the time Dante is 5 he doesn’t really remember a time when Melody wasn’t around and he will embrace his being the big brother.

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October 30, 2006 - Posted by | The Kids

1 Comment »

  1. Hope this strategy works out for you. My sister and I are 18mths apart. I’m the eldest. My mother swears we got along when we were very young. I don’t remember it. Most of my earliest memories with my sister involve me either teaching her to be sneaky or bossing her around. Home videos of us at Christmas when were 2 & 3 years old show us arguing. Just recently I realized I was actually a bully to my sister in the elementary years. Starting somewhere around the 5th or 6th grade what little peace existed between us came to an end. We warred (to the point of once needing stitches, breaking numerous household items, & kicking in 3 bathroom doors) for most of the next decade. It wasn’t until I left home and she graduated high school that we began to get along. From a safe distance. We’re now actually quite close. I was pretty much the acting doula at the birth of my nephew and she calls me regularly to catch up and ask for parenting advice. Point of all this? In my experience, birth spacing has less to do with sibling relationships than does personality and parenting techniques. As I said, though, I hope yours works out. 🙂
    BTW- I agree. There is never a “perfect time” to have a kid.

    Comment by heartmama | April 6, 2009 | Reply


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